Best Wedding Anniversary Gifts for Your Wife

1st Anniversary: Paper

While Office Depot usually has a pretty good sale on printer paper, I'd consider getting the wife something more entertaining. Like a magazine subscription (Sports Illustrated?) or tickets to a concert or show.

2nd Anniversary: Cotton

A box of Q-tips would work here, right? I'm talking like a really big box. Like the kind you get at Costco.

3rd Anniversary: Leather 

Some friends suggested a nice leather belt or wallet, but that's so impersonal. I'm thinking either a leather miniskirt or riding crop to let her live out her 50 Shades of Grey fantasies.

4th Anniversary: Linen, Silk

What the heck is linen anyway? I just know that it lives in closets. And silk comes from silkworms or creepy spiders. I'm thinking we forget about the fourth.

5th Anniversary: Wood

I'll skip the typical guy joke on this one ... Instead, I'll sneak out early in the morning and finally capture that little bastard of a woodpecker that's constantly waking us up. Stuffed and mounted, he'd make a fabulous gift, don't you think?

6th Anniversary: Iron

Well this one's a no brainer. I'll get her a five iron so she can learn how to golf. Might as well get myself one too so I can keep her company. Or maybe a full set, just to be safe. (And you thought I was going to make a sexist joke about ironing, didn't you? For shame.)

7th Anniversary: Wool, Copper

Pennies are made of copper. And people constantly trade pennies for their thoughts, so this one's a freebie for me. I'll just tell my wife what I'm thinking. Shouldn't take too long.

8th Anniversary: Bronze 

All that comes to mind for bronzing is a tan. Thirty minutes in a tanning booth is pretty nice, but that's kinda expensive. I'll just pick up some spray tan in a can.

9th Anniversary: Pottery

Pottery? Really? Like a clay pot? That's what you get for spending nine years together? Seems pretty lame to me. I'll swing by Pottery Barn and buy her one of those colored styrofoam ball thingies that everyone seems to have but has no clue what to do with.

10th Anniversary: Tin, Aluminum

Oooh, this one's a good one. My wife is a big fan of tuna fish. Gotta be Bumble Bee solid white, though. A couple of cans of this and she'll be in seventh heaven. If I'm lucky, I may even have a coupon!

11th Anniversary: Steel

Handcuffs could be fun, but we'd probably lose the keys and have a lot of explaining to do. How about some new steel strings for my guitar? She just loves hearing me play and sing, no matter how off-key I may be.

12th Anniversary: Silk

What the? Silk again? It's only been 12 years and we're already on reruns? Guess I'll have to suck this one up and pick up a tie for her. Scarf! I meant to say scarf. No, really!

13th Anniversary: Lace

Awwww, yeah. Victoria's Secret, here I come!

14th Anniversary: Ivory

As in the soap? That's pretty cheap for a 14th anniversary. Oh, wait. More like the thing elephant tusks and piano keys are made from, I guess. Okay, then maybe a trip to the zoo where she can see all the ivory she wants.

15th Anniversary: Crystal

I've got the perfect thing to round out the 15 years of gifts collection: a Blu-ray copy of the movie The Dark Crystal. Nothing more romantic than that!